


Thistle and Weeds

by ReaperWriter



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: 3x19, 3x20, Angst, F/M, Songfic, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2014-05-06
Packaged: 2018-01-23 18:05:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1574696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReaperWriter/pseuds/ReaperWriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alone in the wind and the rain you left me<br/>It's getting dark darling, too dark to see<br/>And I'm on my knees, and your faith in shreds, it seems</p><p>The emotional fallout for Killian from 3X19 through the middle of 3X20.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thistle and Weeds

**Author's Note:**

> Song fic to Thistle and Weeds by Mumford and Sons.
> 
> Not my song, not my characters. Absolutely my angst.

_Spare me your judgments and spare me your dreams_  
 _Cause recently mine have been tearing my seams_  
 _I sit alone in this winter clarity which clouds my mind_  
 _Alone in the wind and the rain you left me_  
 _It's getting dark darling, too dark to see_  
 _And I'm on my knees, and your faith in shreds, it seems_  
  


He sat in the falling snow on the docks until his fingers and toes were tingling and cold. But the rest of him burned. Sorrow, anger, betrayal, shame. How could she think…how could she not trust…he had been trying to save the boy, dammit! Trying to get him away and safe, to clear the decks so she could battle Zelena with the faith that Henry was somewhere safe and untouchable.

 

It had been the wrong tactic, he could see that now. Wrong to not consult her, to let he know what was going on. But couldn’t she see what this was doing to the lad? Henry wasn’t stupid. The boy was observant, and he knew that something was going on, something dark and dangerous, and Emma was shutting him out. If he hadn’t stepped in, if he hadn’t stopped him, the boy was going to try to run away on his own, and he would have been even more exposed. Might have been dead already.

 

‘Bae wasn’t stupid either, and yet…’ his mind helpfully supplied. He fought down the urge to punch something.

  
_Corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown_   
_I know you have felt much more love than you've shown_   
_And I'm on my knees and the water creeps to my chest_   
  


His heart constricted in his chest, and it’d felt like he’s drowning. He didn’t stop Liam from scratching himself with the Dreamshade, even when every part of his screamed to, and he had held him as he died. He could have killed Milah’s husband the first time he met him, cleared the decks entirely for her to be free with her son, and because he had underestimated the man, she too had died in his arms.

 

Then Bae. If he had tried harder to get Bae to trust him, if he had told the boy the truth from the outset, maybe he could have save him from Pan. He wondered how things would have been different. If he had let go of his anger, and Bae let go of his, and they had been a family like Milah had wanted. The boy would never have broken Emma’s heart. But then again, Henry wouldn’t exist, and he loved the son almost as much as the father. And it didn’t matter now, because Bae was dead and gone.

  
_But plant your hope with good seeds_   
_Don't cover yourself with thistle and weeds_   
_Rain down, rain down on me_   
_Look over your hills and be still_   
_The sky above us shoots to kill_   
_Rain down, rain down on me_   


The clouds passed over as the snow moved north, leaving a strange half-light in its wake. He realized that he couldn’t stay out much longer, or he would risk frost bite. It made him long for the sea, for salt spray and heat and warm winds. It made him wonder why he stayed, holding on to something with someone who clearly didn’t want it. Didn’t want him.

  
Trudging back through town, he made his way into the diner attached to Granny’s place, and sat at the end of the bar, his back to the wall like a wounded animal. Ruby didn’t even ask, just brought him a large mug of hot coffee. His hands shook only slightly when he pulled the flask out of his pocket and added a liberal spike to the drink. He closed his eyes and saw her face, the anger and the hurt, and the “how can I trust you?”

  
Fuck all.

  
_But I will hold on_   
_I will hold on hope_   


The bell above the door jangled and the sound of slapping feet jarred him out of his reverie. Opening his eyes, he saw the loud, cranky dwarf.

 

“Snow White’s in labor!”

 

Bloody buggering hell. Not now. It was too soon, Emma hadn’t had a chance to be fully ready. And she was so angry with him. He couldn’t go to her, not now.

 

He couldn’t not. Standing, he dropped some bills on the counter and headed out the door.

  
_I begged you to hear me, there's more than flesh and bones_   
_Let the dead bury the dead, they will come out in droves_   
_But take the spade from my hands and fill in the holes you've made_   
  


He found her at the hospital, and it hurt when she lashed out at him again. When she pushed him away. The last thing he expected was for Dave to step in and stand up for him. Even if it was a little bit back-handed. It was a small opening, but he’d fit into tighter places before.

 

As they had walked to the farm house from the road, he found himself saddened by her insistence that she didn’t need this. Didn’t need the town, didn’t need her family, didn’t need him. He recognized someone so like himself. He had spent years running from his pain, hiding wrapped up in a flag of revenge, camouflaging what he felt. It was almost a relief when Zelena interrupted them. And then he had been flying through the air, and the water was pouring in, and darkness fell.

  
 _But plant your hope with good seeds_  
 _Don't cover yourself with thistle and weeds_  
 _Rain down, rain down on me_

  
He gasped, coughing and choking as the air pushed into his lungs, forcing the water he had swallowed out. He had been wrong earlier, drowning hurt much worse. It burned like fire.

 

Only, that air. His eyes came open and he looked at her, at the light gone from her eyes, the hope gone from her spirit. No. Nonononono… His fingers touched his lips.

 

“Swan…what did you do? What did you do?”

 

But what he felt was unspoken between them, as the last small shred of his own soul tore.

 

You should have let me die.

 


End file.
